random ramblings June 7, 2008

I havent writte much those last months… First to give you an update…. my new “Weight Watchers” motivation and hype has ebbed once again… although i feel its coming again…i do know that i still have to do something… and as i just continue gaining weight this really is becoming more urgent with every passing day… somehow it still hasnt hit me yet.

Yes, seeing people laugh at me, talking  about me behind my back and just giving me “the look” sure makes me wanna lose weight, look normal and be a person they only look at because they think I’m “beautiful” but once im back with my friends that feeling ebbs too… sometimes i think having friends that accept you is a horrible thing.. now dont get me wrong.. obviously its the most perfect thing in the world but my brain works like this:

If my friends can accept me like this – why can’t everybody else? and do i really need to lose weight to please those people? sometimes their looks make me wanna show them what a great time one ca nhave even when fat… so when me and my friends hit the party i dont play the shy fat girl that sits in the corner.. no i rather step on the dancefloor and dance my ass off! It’s fun! Why shouldnt I be allowed to that? just cause im fat…

on the other hand I also think – if my friends love me for who i am… why dont i have a boyfriend?

and this is where a very interesting topic comes up…

in the last few weeks I met this guy. well he met me… i was just sitting at a bus stop waiting for my bus when suddenly he walked by. He caught my attention just walking past, me thinking: “I wouldn’t push him off my bed…” he caught my eyes and came over to talk to me. at first he scared me a little.. he followed me around the next hour and i couldnt really tell him to bug off cause he was being nice.. and obviousl yi enjoyed the attention… when he was “finally” gone i felt really flatterd and excited – i had given him my email adress.

it wasnt the first time a guy asked me for my number on the street.. in fact it must have been the fourth time. but this guy was really good looking and very nice to talk to.

i didnt contact him for a week but then met him again at a different bus stop. I felt like i hadnt given him a chance. ( i didnt wanna contact him at first cause he creeped me out) so i decided to give it a try.

within only a day we were sitting at his place arms wrapped around each other kissing the hell out of each other.

when i started this blog i said that this would be my place to let everything go and be truthfull and honest the entire time. so here it is…

I didn’t know that guy, i didnt have feelings for him and i didnt know what was gonna happen. What i did know is that i had never been with a guy and that i really like the attention he gave me. At first i was very sceptical – was he only being nice to me cause he wanted something? was he trying to get somethign out of this? money? a place to stay? german citizenship?

but as the days passed i realised that he actually liked my body. He touched it as if it was the most precious thing. he wanted to get more and more from it even if i didnt wanna go any further.

for the first time in my life i felt totally accepted  – TOTALLY! He liked me. My mind, my body, my everything!

I loved it. I enjoyed. I was in heaven.

I had an amazing time. but i also knew that I wasn’t being fair to him. After a week or two all I was waiting for was his touch – not however him talking, beeing there etc.

It was the lust for his touch that kept me coming back to his place day after day nothowever his person.

So yesterday I decided to cut it off and break up. I cried. When I told him why (because I didnt have feelings for him) he only said ” I know – i have seen it coming – It’s okay”

It was like he was saying those words but I knew his heart was feeling something else. He was torn. He looked torn. He brought me to my car and waved goodbye – and than it was over.

Breaking up is a weird thing to do.

Its that time again February 17, 2008

Every now and then a little depression runs over me… Well sometimes it runs.. sometimes it crawls… and sometimes it stays with me… It must like me more at some points in my life… Well it has come again. I think the stimulus this time was my failed exam. Failing an exam when you expected to fail it really isnt that bad… But somehow that little flicker of hope inside you that you might (with a lot of luck) have made it despite your little knowledge of statistics can start a revolt in your emotions. Maybe its just that i didnt let myself show it to the outside this time. Instead of letting my emotions do what they wanted (cry) I ate it all up in form of chips, chocolate, pasta, sweets – really anything i could find.

Weird thing – I know it doesnt help… I have done it many times and I only feel worse after. not just after actually.. sometimes I feel like throwing up and I still continue eating… What in the world is wrong with me.. Its like my body has two parts to it… The one that cries and knows it will burst if it eats one more peanut and the part that makes it way to another mcdonalds do get more food.. and both at the same time! How sick can one be !

I hate myself for it. What I hate myself even more for? Well I am writing this down right now knowing what I do, being aware of what my problem is but I know next time i get into a situation like this, the exact same thing will happen!

Its at times like these in which i should be more positive and think that next time i will make it and wont let this happen. This being the remorse I feel afterwards. But its fucking hard!!!!

It has happened so many times and I lose trust in myself. Trust I never really had but made myslef belive i did. Now I know it was never really there and i will never have it…

Addition and Subtraction! February 9, 2008

The other day in Uni during “Statistics” we talked about adding, subtracting, multiplying etc. a constant to a Variable and it staying the same. It might be a different number but because you do it to all parts the relations are all the same.

(For any Maths professors or similar – yes this is as much as i get from this course… It’s too hard! make it easier, please)

Anyhow, this got me thinking. How great would it be if we could relate this to real life and real people. How about I give that really skinny girl on the street that looks like she is about to die some kilos of mine? Instead I can take some of the beautiful hair from that girl in my old school. She always said she had too much of it anyways. She didn’t even want it! I can take it – no problem.

Maybe my room mate can take some of other peoples “quiet-eating-habits” while she gives her noisy crunches and chews to somebody who lives far far away from me.

And that arogant girl in my course – how about she takes some of that and gives it that shy guy that struggles with his self consciousness every day?

That pretty girl that is fed up with all guys asking her out day after day might wanna give some of it to that other girl who has not had a single date during her life.

And maybe everybody can have their fair share of the world! How beautiful would that be? I’d sure enjoy it. How many times have some skinny people asked me for some flesh?  Honestly.. others need it more than me!

Sad thing is… the one thing this actually works with is not beeing practiced enough in life – Money.

Day by day I walk past that old man selling the homeless newspaper, trying to make some money. In the same street we have another guy sitting with his dog who has a sign up in front of him proclaiming that he is looking for the love of his life. He wants to proove that True love really does exist.

And that young boy how needs to walk with crutches all day long, can hardly speak and shivers the whole day?

Or the other guy with the rabbit and the dog? Instead of helping people get angry at them for having the poor animals out in the cold. Excuse me miss but where is he supposed to go?? To his 3-floor house with a nice heater and lots of space?

Weigh-In February 6, 2008

Alright so Monday the next Weigh-In was on.

I didnt’ really know what to expect. Somehow I never know. It’s like I know I obeyed or did not obey my budget! But somehow the slightest mistake can make a huge difference.. and by huge I mean huge.. Last week I gained 1,9(!!!) kg. How in the world did that work?? I have no clue. And I did stick with my points.. weird.. well at least this week was a lot better.. I lost 2,7(!!!) kg! Hot great is that.. which basically means that looking at it from three weeks ago I lost 800 grams.. together with my 2,3 kg from the week before I theoretically got my first star since my restart… Tough  luck my weight Watchers instrctor didnt think so…

point being – Since I started WW and then stopped and started again I had gained about 5 kg… which means I’m gonna have to lose those 5 before getting stars again!! That really sucks.. I was really hoping for that star to motivate me but I guess no motivation for me this week… Okay what in the world am I talking about – No motivation?? Excuse there is more than enough motivation walking past right me every day!

I have got lots of motivation and I will not let the “no-Star” business keep me from reaching my goal…

Stupid thing.. It’s not the greatest of feelings sticking up for yourself at a meeting saying that they forgot you because u deserve a star and the instructor then saying no.. sorry you dont!

But I’ll get over it!

And for now I am happy!

Let’s hope next week will be another loss and not a gain.. I had some weird ups and downs… and funnily enoug I’d reather have some downs… of pounds that is!

Got a uni exam tomorrow! hope thats gonna work out!

Bad,bad week and yet some highlights! January 31, 2008

There are always sooo many things i wont to write.. but somehow I never do actually get around writing all my thoughts down.. First off I just want to say that this was a bad weight wathing week – and this is only the second week of them all.. There are sooo many more to come – and they do have to come.. but I gained weight.. more than a kilogramm.. how did i do that?? i have no idea…Having friends over that cook for you probably isn’t the best way to do weight watchers.. Well I got over that gain and decided to just have a great week and loose some pounds so i might even get a star…

Having said that the next depressing point of thee week is up on the list.

I know I’m obese. I also know that I don’t look good. In fact I look fat and ugly! This doesn’t mean that my inside is just as fat and ugly. Of course other people don’t know that. What I do know is that no matter what one looks like is NO reason what so ever to make fun of them, stare at them and give stupid comments when they walk past you.

My bad people around me don’t know that. I really don’t understand (and I did say that i understand im fat and ugly.. and not a pretty sight) how people can stop walking and stare (yes! properly stare) at me in the middle of town. Do they have no tact? Are they really such blunt (excuse my language) assholes to have do that? WHAT IS THE POINT??

The amount of times I have walked through town (and that is prety much every day as I have to get to Uni) and people looked at me weridly, stared at me, made some comments, pointed their finger at me, laughed at me etc. is uncountable!

There is no day (and when I say NO day it is literally NO day) I can walk through the streets without having somebody obsess about my vast body.

Now I wrote this quite rationally.. but what people need to understand is that even though I know exactly why they do it, I do have feelings. So many many times I have driven home by train half in tears because I have had enough. It’s not like people are bullying me. But the silent stare, the cold whispers and the evil pointed finger hurts more than a thousand words. How many times did I want to stop and slap their faces. I really do get aggitated… But dont they know how much they hurt me?

Usually when its only little kids asking their parents “Mommy, why is that women sooo BIG?” I can laugh at myself and enjoy how the mother quickly leaves the tram, turnes around or somehow shuts up their son or daughter. I can even take it when its little primary school kids. I mean what do you expect?? What something I can really not understand is mature adults looking at you as if you were an alien coming to earth to eat your world!

The other day i was leaving the tram to walk over the street to my trainstation when I see three mature adults standing near by to catch a tram.

One thing people don’t realise is that I, as an obese person, has become prone to realise ppl are talking about me.

So one of those adults looks at me in a really obvious surprised, disgusted stare totally awestruck ( in a bad way). He looks at me and while he cant take his eyes of my voluptous body taps this other mature adult on the shoulder saying “Look at that fat girl!”

The other guy turnes around and says fully disgusted: “Ooh.. yeah. I have seen that”

Now how rude an one be??

I was so frustrated I turned around awestruk myself.

I usually dont say anything… who can be bothered to defend themselves 365 days of the year… Its just not worth it. But my ignoration of these ppl does really not imply that I dont care. I do care! I dont want to be fat!!!! I want to be as pretty and good looking as other girls my age. But it really isnt easy. And i cant do that within a day! It will take time. And I know there are many days to come where I will walk down the street and ppl will point there fingers.. I dont know how i will react. I just know that ppl are starting to beome less and less sympethatic.

I’m starting to hate them. There are good days and bad days. On good days they bring down my mood a little bit.. btu i can manage.. on bad days I beome depressed… and this depression is at a climax right now… There used to be times I wanted to kill myself. I never really got through with it. But the thought dwelled in my mind. The thing that held me back most were my parents. I knew i would break there are heart if i did. But wow… life would be so much easier… and everytime one of those oh-so-hated people looks at me… the thought begins to come back to mind again… I dont want to kill myself.. But if life is made that hard… Its becomes very dificult to go the hard way and not take the easy way out…

Enough depression for a day… Its at times like these when I think back at the good things in life.

Good things in life are my friends. Especially the good looking friends. It makes me feel much better to have good looking friends. I know they like me.. I know people sometimes stare of jealousy when I walk through town with them!

But I dont like them for their beatuy. I like them because they are great. I have the best friends. I can laugh with them, cry with them, have fun with them and just be myself. I dont have to feel self concious about my body. I can be who I really am. And that is why i love them!

I hope you all know how much I love you!

Weigh-In January 28, 2008

Only a few hourse till the next weigh-in… I dont think it will be too good. I went over my budget of points this week.. but i did go walking quite a lot so I am hoping that it will all balance out.. well stgnation is better than any gain.. so lets hope for the best!

Positivity is surrounding me January 21, 2008

Hello, Hallo, Bon Soir, Buenas Noches and Dobrou Noc to everyone out there!

This has been a beautiful evening day with lots of positivity, good feelings, love and success. The first week of the rest of my life has ended and it has ended well! I lost 2.3 kg!! What a great start. I am really happy.

How funny that todays topic of speech was infact “Optimism”. During tonights meeting I one again realised what has been lost for some time. I used to be a huge optimist. When ppl would talk about me they would say: “She is soooo happy”, “She always smiles”, “Her laugh is hilarious” etc. I would love these comments but in the past weeks/months /years these comments have become scarce. I only really realised or brough tback to conscience what a happy being i usually am. Now for some reason this positivity has been gone.. I dont really know why. Yes I don’t REALLY know why. But of course there are factors. I have realised how ppl are treated a lot nicer when they look all pretty, thin, skinny and attractive! I have also realised how I am just not happy with the way my life is going – partially that implies my body. Lots of things that were jus tnot going the way I wanted them to. What I forgot over all these selfish aspects of my life is all the things I can be greatful for. I do have a wonderful family that loves me to bits. I have friends with who I can talk about anythign in the world and have the greatest time of my life. I am healthy – okay an obese body might not be that healthy after all but I also dont have cancer or some kinda deathening sickness! I have a great time being with my friends. After all I even get compliments and ppl still like being around me. I was even asked fo rmy number a few times. But not only this. There is a beautiful wprld out there with lots of ppl looking past all that fat and actually looking for whats inside a person! It’s also the little things of life. Life is beautiful and I need to realised it again. Be happy and content with what I have and look at the bright side of life!

And this is not some kinda dream that will never come true! It’s life – there are good days and bad days but its your decision how you will cope with it. And that’s what I am about to do. Cope with life in a positive way. Be happy for what I’ve got while still trying to strive for the best everyday.

In the end I do love myself and my life after all.

Big girls January 20, 2008

Finally someone appreciating “Big Girls”.  After an initial love for this song and a sudden decrease of hate for myself I realised that I’m not a big girl. After all I am a FAT girl. There is now way of nice-talking my obese body. I have to realise that I’m not in the “big” category. I AM FAT! And there really is now nicer way to say that. And there shouldn’t be either. When you are as fat as I am you’re health is at stake. Higher risk for strokes etc. I have to realise the extent of my food obsession and stop it. Be healthy and get over it.

Good thing is – I don’t wanna be a skinny girl either. I want to be in the normal range, be able to buy clothes at a normal store but at the same time be a beautiful, curvy female. And then I wil go back to this song and be a proud lady with all her curves! (curves that you that u got some waist and hip.. not the different layers of fat.

It is encouraging after all!

Why is it sooo hard? January 19, 2008

Why is it so hard?

I sit in a room and there it comes.

A plate of the most delicious foods is brought into the room.

It is a big plate.

A plate filled with food.

Foods I like. Foods I love.

Food that tastes great.

I’m not a chocolate person.

But there is chocolate.

Chocolate has great reputation.

And bad one.

But I like the good one more.

So it makes my mouth water.

I take some.

I take some more.

I can’t stop taking some.

Another plate is brought in.

After I already had three pieces of chocolate.

This time its cake.

Chocolate Cake.

Almost like brownies.

Not quite a brownie.

And it doesn’t really taste that great.

But I have to try it.

I take a small piece.

Another plate is brought in.

Maybe next time i should wait till all plates arrive.

Its a beautiful bread kinda cake.

I eat some.

I get some more offered.

I take that too.

I eat too much.

I don’t think about it either.

I eat.

and i eat.

and i eat some more.

I like to eat.

It’s not easy to stop.

Why is there so much food in this world?

Why does it need to taste good?

Why is it sooooo hard to say no?

Why is it sooooo hard to be happy with one piece?

Why?

Can somebody give me an answer?

I would really like to know.

Resolution: Next time i will wait for all plates. Chose my favorite food and only eat a little bit of that!

Spur of the moment… January 15, 2008

My treat of the day… turned out to be three treats of the day… while all are still within my “budget”!

I had a beautiful Chai Tea Latte (nonfat) from Starbucks – 4 points

Some beautiful selfmade Rasberry Ice Cream – 4 points

and a piece of spicy cake – 4 points

4 seems to be the magical number of the day!

Delicious!

Remembering the fact that this is a “lose-weight-blog” I    sure do get good food! and lots of it too!

But it’s only the first day of the rest of my life… soon    enough some chocolate will be thrown my way!